McFarlane’s Batman Returns Batmissile Is 21 Inches of Pure Burton Phallic Nonsense

Batman Returns is a weird movie, and I mean that as a compliment.

It has a sewer penguin man running for mayor, Christopher Walken playing a lunatic in a wig, Michelle Pfeiffer licking herself like she got paid per lick, and Michael Keaton walking around just being awesome. It is gothic, horny, disgusting, Christmasy, and somehow still one of the most fun Batman movies ever made.

It also has a weird little personal footnote for me, because Batman Returns was the movie I took my first date to see. Her name was Wendy, and nothing says young romance quite like going with a girl to watch Danny DeVito bite people, ooze black goo, and command penguins like a sewer Napoleon. Smooth? Yep. Memorable? Absolutely.

So of course that is the movie where the Batmobile turns into a missile. Young love and a large phallic-shaped Batmobile. Truly, romance was alive in 1992.

That is not a normal sentence, but nothing about Batman Returns is normal. Batman is trapped. The street is too narrow. The police are closing in. Most heroes would hit the brakes, find another route, or maybe do some actual detective work. Batman hits a button and the sides of the Batmobile blow off so the center section can become a black torpedo on wheels. The man really does have a plan for every scenario.

The official McFarlane listing describes this as the Batmissile vehicle inspired by Batman Returns, part of the DC Multiverse line, and confirms the big selling point right on the page: it is 21 inches long and designed to fit Batman and select other 7-inch figures. That is the important stuff. This is not some vague “inspired by” thing where you squint and pretend it is close enough. It is the Batmissile. Long, black, ridiculous, and built like Batman decided traffic laws were for poor people.

Out of the box, the first thing that hits you is the length. Twenty-one inches does not sound insane until you actually have it sitting in front of you. Then it immediately becomes one of those collector purchases where your brain says, “This is awesome,” and your shelf says the same thing my Junior Prom date did: “Where exactly do you think this is going?” This thing is not small. It is not subtle. It is a long black slab of Burton Batmobile insanity, and it takes up exactly the kind of space you already do not have.

But hey, it looks good doing it.

The shape is the whole point here. The Batmissile is not supposed to look practical. It is not even really supposed to look comfortable. It is supposed to look like the Batmobile shed every unnecessary piece of bodywork and turned into a panic attack with wheels. McFarlane captured that very well. The long nose, the low body, the narrow center, the enclosed front intake, the rear turbine area, the exposed wheel assemblies, the mechanical side detailing — it all gives the vehicle that strange mix of sleek and sick that makes the movie design work.

That is the magic of the Burton Batman world. Everything looks like it came from an art deco nightmare built by a rich man who has never once heard the phrase “moderation.” The Batmissile fits right into that. It is elegant in the way a weapon can be elegant, but it is also completely absurd. You look at it and immediately understand why Gotham cops could not stop Batman. They were trying to arrest a man who had a rocket coffin hidden inside his car.

The finish is mostly matte black, which is the correct call. I know some collectors love gloss, and on the full ’89 Batmobile I get that argument. That thing is basically the sexiest hearse ever driven by a man with unresolved childhood trauma. But the Batmissile works better a little meaner and flatter. It gives it a more weaponized feel.

There are enough silver accents and mechanical details to break up the black without making it look busy. The wheels have the Bat-emblem hubs, the exposed suspension pieces give the sides some needed texture, and the rear section has those mechanical panels that keep it from becoming just a black tube. This is not a vehicle loaded with paint apps, but the sculpt carries it.

The cockpit is probably the most interesting part once you start looking closer. The top opens so Batman can sit inside, and the interior actually has more detail than I expected. The dashboard has painted silver controls, the seat is sculpted, the steering wheel is there, and the whole area looks like McFarlane understood collectors were absolutely going to stick a camera over the opening and judge the inside. For a McFarlane vehicle in this price range, the cockpit does not feel like an empty plastic bathtub. It looks like a real display area.

And yes, Batman can sit in there. Kind of. Depending on which Batman you use. That is where my issue enters the review.

I tried using my Arkham Batman figure first, and he does not fit properly. He can get in there enough for a picture, but he does not sit like he belongs there. It is more like Batman lost a bet and Alfred shoved him into a child’s carnival ride. The ears, the cape, the body shape, the hips — something is always fighting you. From the side, you can make it work well enough, but you are not fooling anyone if they actually look into the cockpit or try to close it.

Now, before anyone starts screaming into the void, of course, I own the Batman Returns Batman. I also own the ’89 Batman. I understand those would make more sense. I understand Keaton is the Batman who belongs in this thing. I am not sitting here confused about why Arkham Batman was not in Batman Returns unless Burton had a deleted scene where Penguin hacked the PlayStation.

But those Keaton figures are still boxed, and I was not opening them just to pose one inside the Batmissile. That is how it starts. You tell yourself you are only opening one figure for one review. Then the next thing you know, the box is destroyed, the accessories are missing, the card back is leaning sadly against a wall, and you are trying to convince yourself you are “more of a loose collector now.” No. Not today, Todd. Probably not tomorrow either.

So Arkham Batman got drafted into service, and he did his best. It is not screen accurate, but he is Batman and the vehicle is a black missile. Close enough for government work and Gotham policing.

The photos with Alfred and Penguin help show the scale much better. Alfred standing next to the Batmissile makes the thing look like a private military submarine that accidentally grew tires. Penguin looks right at home next to it, probably because the entire vehicle already looks like it belongs in a sewer lair full of angry birds and yesterday’s regrets. Those shots sell how long and low this thing really is. It is big enough to feel like a proper centerpiece, but not so massive that it becomes impossible to handle.

That said, this is absolutely a display piece first. It rolls, and the wheels look good, but nobody is buying this for intense living room action sequences unless they are seven years old or emotionally honest. This is a shelf vehicle. You pose it, you admire it, you occasionally pick it up and make a mental note that Batman Returns merch has gotten dangerously specific, and then you try to figure out where the hell it fits.

The biggest strength is that it looks exactly like the thing it is supposed to be. That sounds obvious, but with movie vehicles, it matters. A little too wide, a little too short, or a little too toyetic, and the whole illusion falls apart. This keeps the thin, stretched, almost uncomfortable profile of the Batmissile. It does not look like a regular Batmobile repaint. It has the correct little identity.

The back end is a great angle. The turbine exhaust, the rear wheel layout, and the mechanical side panels all come together in a way that makes the vehicle look more interesting than just a long black spear. From the front, it has that missile look. From the side, it has the full Batman Returns silhouette. From the rear, it looks like it’s ready to shoot some flame on a few unsuspecting clowns.

Is it perfect? No.

The cockpit is still going to be the main frustration point depending on the figure. McFarlane says it fits Batman and select other 7-inch figures, and that word “select” is doing some heavy lifting. That is not a lie. It is just the kind of collector warning you should actually read before trying to cram every DC Multiverse Batman into it like you are testing luggage at an airport. Some figures are going to work better than others. Some are going to look like Batman is trapped in an MRI machine.

There is also the basic question of value and space. This is a big vehicle based on one specific Batman Returns sequence. If you are not a Burton Batmobile person, this probably is not going to convert you. It is not loaded with transformation features, it does not split from the full Batmobile, and it does not come with a figure. It is a standalone Batmissile. That is either very cool or completely insane depending on how deep into the sickness you are.

I am terminal.

This is not just another Batman figure. It is not another black-and-gray repaint with a slightly different belt. It is a giant plastic version of one of the weirdest vehicle moments in Batman movie history. That is the kind of thing that makes a collection more fun. Shelves need the occasional dumb masterpiece. They need something that makes another collector stop and say, “Wait, is that the Batmissile?”

Yes. Yes it is. And it is kind of great.

McFarlane has been all over the map with vehicles, but this one hits. It looks right, it has real presence, the cockpit has actual detail, the scale works, and the design gives Batman Returns fans something beyond the usual Batmobile. The Arkham Batman fit issue is annoying, but I am not putting that entirely on the vehicle when I refused to open the two figures that would obviously make more sense. That is not a product defect. That is collector cowardice with an in-box excuse.

Batman Returns gave us a Batmobile escape mode that looked like a missile, drove like a nightmare, and proved Batman’s real superpower is unlimited automotive overkill. It also gave me one of those weird movie-memory markers where you remember the person, the theater, the age, and the fact that this movie got me nowhere near a base. Wendy may or may not remember Batman Returns the same way I do, but I can promise you this: if your first date movie includes Penguin biting a guy’s nose and Batman launching himself down the street in a missile car, you do not forget it.

I thank Wendy and Tim Burton for the memories and Todd for the fantastic shelf hog!